Dry heart

I feel dried up.

Tonight I sit alone by the fire.  It is late, but anxiety keeps sleep far from reach.  I have anxiety because I know tomorrow awaits with another day of hard behaviors and Im just not adequate to the task.

img_3943Grief over my inadequate parenting in this season feels like a heavy normal.

Seriously, Ive taught parenting classes.  I know positive parenting, love and logic, attachment parenting and connected parenting.   We KNOW these styles and use them and have used them for years.

Yet, in this season, our children rage loud and angry.  Happiness is often out of reach.

David and I watched the film “Instant Family.” recently.  What a relief it was to watch our normal presented as normal for families like ours.

The chaos in that film is our normal.

It is the normal of many families like ours and seriously, most are blindsided.

In the midst, because we are leaders of a church orphan care ministry, we’ve been asked to meet up with five people who are interested in helping foster children, foster families and adoptive families.

They asked us to come to their home an hour away some evening.

There was a time I would have been elated with passion at such a request.

Tonight I sit here instead at a loss for word to reply to their request.  I’m just too discouraged to enthusiastically cheer on an army for the voiceless ones tonight.  I’m overwhelmed at the task of leaving our children under the care of their teen siblings and drive far away into the night.  I know our treasures will act out when we are out of reach.

I feel a lot of things lately.

Mama guilt is a chain that stays around my neck.  You see?  We are just not good enough at this.  We are trying 200 percent and running hard on empty.  And it’s not sufficient.

So im praying in the dark that our Father above will parent me in my weakness and somehow touch the lives of many more children than I could ever dare to imagine.  I pray that somehow, our 7 treasures will taste the love we have for them.

…they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

2 Corinthians 12:9-10. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

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