I feel dried up.
Tonight I sit alone by the fire. It is late, but anxiety keeps sleep far from reach. I have anxiety because I know tomorrow awaits with another day of hard behaviors and Im just not adequate to the task.
Grief over my inadequate parenting in this season feels like a heavy normal.
Seriously, Ive taught parenting classes. I know positive parenting, love and logic, attachment parenting and connected parenting. We KNOW these styles and use them and have used them for years.
Yet, in this season, our children rage loud and angry. Happiness is often out of reach.
David and I watched the film “Instant Family.” recently. What a relief it was to watch our normal presented as normal for families like ours.
The chaos in that film is our normal.
It is the normal of many families like ours and seriously, most are blindsided.
In the midst, we are asked to meet up wit five people who are interested in helping foster children and fostering adoptive families.
They asked us to come to their home an hour away some evening.
There was a time id be giddy with passion at such a request.
Tonight I sit here instead at a loss for word to reply to their request. Im just too discouraged to enthusiastically cheer on this army for the voiceless ones tonight. Im overwhelmed at the task of leaving our children under the care of their teen siblings and drive far away into the night. I fear some will act out as their teen siblings watch over them.
I feel a lot of things lately.
Mama guilt is a chain that stays around my neck. You see? It’s because im just not good enough at this. But I am trying 200 percent and live with a passion they will never understand until they become parents. and it’s not sufficient.
So im praying in the dark that our Shepherd will parent in my weakness and somehow touch the lives of many more children than I could ever dare to imagine. I pray that somehow, our 7 treasures will taste the love we have for them.
…they who wait for the shall renew their strength;
they shall run and not be weary;
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.