Easter and two birthdays, panic attacks and truest love

Easter, combined with precious and treasured Leora and Mohale’s birthdays this weekend, cause my grateful heart to flash back to darkness….






Treasures in darkness.


Anxiety shook me to the ground outside our home at 2am. Looking up desperately through damp fog towards the dark, starry sky as I lay trembling on concrete through another panic attack, it felt as if only by a miracle could my lungs keep breathing.   My life was safe- yet the life of a beloved child was not.  Love freaking hurts.  Through deepest salty, pain I begged my Heavenly Father for mercy again “God!! don’t let This Child be hurt any more!!! This Child has been through enough horror!!!  No more!!!” 


Panic attacks are a normal part of adoption for me.  You see, I’m not the strong one some assume a mom of 7 may be.  


Adoption is deeply hard.  These treasures reside in cruel darkness- and to reach them? Yes, we often have to go there… into places darker than any child should ever know. 


He stands on dark waters, inviting us to follow. 

Blood and darkness precluded our redemptive, life giving, embrace by Him. 



Because of Easter, 

We celebrate as His children…


Isaiah 45:3…… I will give you the treasures 

of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. 


Treasures in darkness. 


“Mom, Easter means God loved us so much that Jesus died on the cross so we could be adopted into His family.”


Our children taste this.  



Adoptive families- you taste this rich.  As we remember the bloody cross-  our hearts flash back to long nights where our own hearts bled with grief, anxiety, panic, confusion, weariness, pain beyond description as we traversed the Dark Valley of Adoption towards the greatest waiting treasures.  

(Some of you are there now.  

Know, you are not alone.)


As we remember Easter today- the bloody, wet, horrific crucifixion of our Jesus- taste His love.  Savor His resurrection and look up towards the Father who loves truer than any mind can comprehend this side of Heaven. 


This ultimate love calls us to Run towards His arms of redemption.  

Be still in His gaze and know: He’s got this.  

He’s got your every scar. 

He’s holding your broken, trembling heart.  He’s walking this hard road of life with you- redeeming each stumble while pouring out through your brokenness onto others in desperate need of adoption into His embrace.  


Breathe in His adoptive love. 




We are loved. 

Therefore we are free to love.  

We are free to run towards the treasures who await in darkness.  

We are free to break.  


The day will come when your heart will breathe again

and treasures of immeasurable worth will astound you.  


Because He died, we can live.

Because He holds our life, we are free to give it away…


What passion has He placed within your heart?

Can I encourage you?

The One who broke bloody to adopt you will never let you go-

He’s there as you step out onto the waters…


If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.


Luke 17:33

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